Leaving

I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago. I thought that it was going to be a really good change. I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family, again. My mom took a train to come get us. She does not do well under pressure or something. She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment. And, a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD (it was curable). I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there. All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like. But, I insisted on moving.

We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home. My mom had left her stuff behind with us. The only reason my mom, my dad, and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year. They stopped paying the bills, and I stopped caring about helping them. I gave up at this point. They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords, the electric company, and even other people. They would have not been able to find a home. So, they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle’s property. Anyways, they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car. My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car. That was her secret mission. And, she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car!  She is crazy, I told you that, but she is really crazy.

She was throwing stuff around, complaining, and getting in fights with one of my best friends. She was screaming, “Shut the fuck up” over and over again at my friend. My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world. She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left. This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan.

I had my friend get me out of the apartment. She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer. I was so stressed about moving. Did I really want to move there? When I got back to the apartment, my mom was still throwing her fit. Finally, I took a water bottle that I had, threw it down and screamed,  “You are a fucking cunt!” It got pretty quiet, and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down. All while, my friend, my sister, and my mom where fighting in the other room. “You both should have just stayed here! I wish I never came!” I heard my mom yelling.

All of the neighbors downstairs, who were also the landlords, were listening to everything that was happening. We had just that day to get out. I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked. It was like I was in another world and like I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there.

She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out. She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires. It was like I was frozen though and I didn’t want to move and to deal with her. Sometimes, I imagine hitting her over and over again. That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother. But, she honestly will drive anyone to that point.

Finally, we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away. I was going to miss this place so much, and all the memories I had to such a short time. I really grew accustomed to living here. It was one of the best times of my life, and I wish that I could take it back. I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back. I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone. We were not coming back, and life here was going to go on without us.

I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years. I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them. I was a CNA at a nursing home. I started when I was 18, and I learned a lot there. It was my first job and the thing that I was used to. I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone. They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new. I didn’t want to leave, though. This life was what I was used to.

We finally got the apartment cleaned up. It was hard getting rid of everything. It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while. Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end. We spent the night with my friends.

That was the end of my little taste of freedom.

I cried in the little white car as we left. It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better. I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again. While, I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up.

It was a long drive. It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed. It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it’s current slowly. I couldn’t even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time. I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart. I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head. I live more in my head than I do in real life.

It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down. We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them. Maybe I could get close with them. I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend. I could find a job that wasn’t in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new. Maybe, I would met a guy down here. Maybe, my life would be exciting and better than before.

When we got to our destination, reality hit, hard. We lived in the middle of nowhere! In the smallest fucking town. We pulled up in our driveway. All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart. You can’t even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling.  5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer. One bathroom. We slept on a pull-out couch. All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back. My dad was so happy to see us. He was disappointed to see how she was treating us.

Life is funny, sometimes.

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