Tired

I’m not really physically tired. I am mentally tired. I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long.. I wish that I could go back in time. I know that I probably mentioned that before, but I really mean it. The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn’t want to be at this age. Each day is so fast, and a lot of days I don’t remember due to blacking out from alcohol, or passing out from alcohol, or just being a dumb alcoholic.

I have been doing better with my alcohol intake. I still drink a lot but I haven’t been getting as trashed as I did in the past. I guess it’s baby steps for me. I don’t really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don’t have any. Then, I will reward myself by drinking.

When I drink I picture myself dying. I don’t know why it has this negative effect on me. I imagine that is something that runs in my blood. My uncle (father’s brother) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age. He is still living, but he is living in prison for murdering his lover. What if that is going to be me? I become so incredibly violent when I drink. I fear that I will wake up in a cell, and never leave again. I fear that this is my life. I fear it and I live in constant fear. I don’t know why I can’t change. It might be because I don’t have the willpower.

I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won’t ever get better. I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again. I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years. Even before alcohol, I had issues. I was always depressed, crying in the shower, cutting myself, burning myself, trying to lose weight, and wanting to wake up and become someone else.

The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better. I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense. It isn’t.

I don’t know what to do with myself.